Laredo Slider

You don't look like a Santonio, homes

2008-10-24T12:57:00.000-07:00

Santonio Holmes, star wide out for the Pittsburg Steelers was charged with marijuana possession, and has been suspended by the Steelers for the mega match up against my Giants on Sunday. As a big Giants fan, I'm not happy that he was suspended because I like to play against the best at full strength, all the time. It's the best way to know what you really have. He will be missed, but there is another injustice in this case. Why was Santonio pulled over? I'll refer to the ESPN.com article:

Police stopped Holmes, who was driving a dark sport-utility vehicle with out-of-state license plates. Officers in the area had been alerted that a similar vehicle was believed to be carrying a large amount of drugs. Holmes' vehicle matched the description but was not the one police were seeking, Griffith said.

fgjagblabdjfbljblbjlbfjlblfl aabjajreygqr;yljqlyjrrljtqlrtjqlet (sorry...a little frustrated)....the funny thing is that the po'lice have been looking for this car for the last 40 years (before there were SUV's)!!!!!!!! And how did they know that there was a SUV with a large amount of drugs in it? Did they watch someone put those drugs into the SUV, and decided to let them drive away, without arresting them? Was there a sting where the undercover officer sold drugs to some guy in a SUV with out-of-state plates, and they failed to make the arrest? I know the answer to both questions, and it's called profiling. He's lucky he was in a town where they knew who he was, because in any other town the officer would look at him funny once he said his name was Santonio Holmes. They would probably think he was a gang banger from L.A. or something...

By the way...Holmes didn't have his license on him and I am willing to bet that he doesn't have a legal license right now. This is probably the beginning of a long story, which will end up with Holmes playing for the Raiders sooner, or later.

Larry Johnson's here? Let's find somewhere else to go...

2008-10-23T16:44:00.001-07:00

I know that nothing good happens after midnight, but I have lived most of my life after midnight, so when bad shit happens to people after midnight, I understand. Earlier this week, it was reported that Larry Johnson (the running back of the Chiefs, not to be confused with NBA great Larry Johnson) assaulted some girl in a club, and also threatened to kill her boyfriend. This happens to be Larry Johnson's (the club going, philandering, running back of the Chiefs...not to be confused with the club going, philandering, power forward of the Knicks and Hornets) fourth time in the last five years of getting an assault charge. The Chiefs are suspending him, and they should. What shouldn't happen is dumb chickenheads in the club, running their mouth to ANYBODY named Larry Johnson. News flash...women, if there is a pro athlete named Larry Johnson at the club, unless you're going home with them that night, don't say shit to them. You will either end up with (A) a drink spit in your face, (B) kids you don't want, or (C) a black eye. And don't bring your boyfriend to the club when Larry Johnson is there because you'll put him in a situation that he doesn't want to be in.

But that's not it...

Last time I checked assault and battery were charges brought against people who make credible threats, and/or put their hands on another person. After midnight I think spitting a drink in somebodies face is (A) classless and (B) better than punching them/stabbing them. Larry Johnson should be commended for restraining his arms and fists, and not ingesting more alcohol, which would just make him drunker. Also...If some dude says something to you, that's malicious after midnight, you have to say something back along the lines of "I'm gonna kill you". People who are in altercations, and are drunk, only understand a few phrases after midnight.

"I think a cop is behind me" or "the cops are here"
"Let's get some food"
"I'm going to kill you"

That's it...these three phrases have been known to break up parties...and if you don't believe me, go to Church's Chicken at 2 a.m. on the weekend, and you will hear all three phrases said right away. By 2:30, everybody will be gone...go to Waffle House and repeat, it doesn't fail. Finally, next time you go to the club, and you're on the guestlist, give the guy your name, but also figure out if anybody named Larry J. is on that list, before going in.

Sunday Laredo 10/19/08

2008-10-19T01:31:00.000-07:00

Time to open the Sunday Laredo Times! I had all the sections last week, but didn't have the crossword or comics. This week I'll have the crossword and comics, but none of the other sections, except sports. Enjoy!

Crossword

Sorry for the layout, but this was the best crossword I could find...

Comics

'Obama and Biden'

Sorry, kind of hard to read. The three Biden lookalikes are the guy from America's Scariest Police Chases, Jim Carrey's Mask character, and Bob Barker. This is kind of a response to Gov. Palin's appearance on Saturday Night Live, last night. She was wearing these hooker boots that looked kinda hot, but this will be the height of her fame.

Time for picks:

Tennessee (-9) at Kansas City

Kansas City will be able to hang in this game because Tennessee's offense isn't dynamic (24th overall in the NFL). They will not pull away in this game...Kansas City to cover.

B'More (+3) at Miami

Miami is playing with confidence, and they're angry (and they have a quarterback). The Ravens are a little nicked up on D, the O-line is also struggling, and Joe Flacco might have hit the wall in week 6. M.I.A. to cover.

Dallas (-7) at St. Louis

Dallas hasn't been playing well, and cohesion is a major problem. No cohesion = turnovers = not covering. I like St. Louis last week, and now Marc Bulger has another toy to play with, in rookie wideout Donnie Avery...who happened to be the first reciever taken in the draft. I think confidence and momentum will allow this game to be close, but the 'Boys should win...Rams cover.

San Francisco (+10.5) at NY Giants

I thought I wasn't going to pick this game, but I am confident that the Giants will rebound like the champions they are. We're going to run, run, run. Steve Spagnuolo is going to dial up some pressure, because the Giants aren't getting ANY takeaways, and that shit's gotta stop. Eli will spread the ball around, instead of trying to force the ball to Plax. Giants 38 Niners -2. No, I haven't learned my lesson.
LET'S GET THOSE NINERS!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday Night Live

2008-10-18T14:46:00.000-07:00

I guess I'm going to watch Sarah Palin on SNL tonight, but it doesn't really pique my interest because (1) I don't think she's that hot and maybe a couple of years from having a full blown turkey neck, and (2) she isn't going to be Vice President, Joe Biden is. Is she the most do-able politican ever? Yes. But, in my world, Nancy Pelosi and Hilary Clinton are do-able, too. There are three live events that need breif attention as I finish up telling you what's good on a Saturday, on TV.

Mizzou at Texas

Just sit back and enjoy this one. If Mizzou loses, that should be the end of their championship run. I want to see them win just to see college football get more f'd up, and a step closer to creating a playoff system.

Red Sox at Rays

After the amazing comeback on Thursday, the Sox have a ton of momentum. The Rays haven't had much negative attention, on a national stage this year, and I want to see how they handle it. They do get to play at home, but the stands are going to be packed with chowder heads from the New England area. I'm praying that Boston or Philly doesn't get a championship, so GO RAYS!

Pavlik - Hopkins

In the fight of the year, one legend (Hopkins) goes up against a soon-to-be legend (Kelly Pavlik). Hopkins hasn't been knocked out, ever...he's been knocked down once. Pavlik isn't afriad to mix it up, and will be looking to damage the 40 year old Hopkins. This is one to sit back and enjoy. Some say it will be boring, I think Pavlik will make it a point to come inside and bring it to Hopkins. Pavlik is also a fighter who gets stronger as the fight progresses. Look for B-Hop to steal some rounds, but in the end the soon-to-be legend will have cemented himself in boxing history. This fight goes the distance, but Pavlik will prevail.

What to Watch 10/18/08

2008-10-18T08:00:00.000-07:00

It's a new season of television programming, and if you have DirecTV or digital cable, you know that there is so much crap on that you just stick with what shows you usually watch. It's a pain going through 150 channels when you only watch five or six channels. I'm here to make it even easier for you (today). I'm going to TELL you what to watch and provide expert analysis on why you are going to watch it. All times are in Eastern and, of course, we got picks for college today.

12 ET

U Conn at Rutgers (-2)

Okay...don't watch it, just bet it. U Conn is 5-1, and has no respect for Rutgers. Rutgers is 1-5, and has no respect for Rutgers. Expect Rutgers to lose more recruits, because this is their homecoming game and it's embarrassing to have the fans leaving the stadium with 5:32 left in the third quarter. Stay away from the over/under on this game, unless it's for Rutgers turnovers...then take the over, no matter what it is.

What to really watch....

Paris Hilton's My New BFF - MTV

I haven't seen a minute of this show, but every time I see a commercial for it, some broad is taking a shot and running her mouth. Watch it, and be glad you don't have to put up with it...because at 1 PM, we've got...

1 ET

Whatever Telemundo has on

I have seen this show. I don't know how to pronounce it, and the show may not be the same throughout the years, but I have been watching this time slot since I was a kid. Half-naked, Spanish broads who say nothing, but are shaking it to whatever the mariachi band is playing. Then when they say something, you can tune them out, because they are speaking Spanish. This is the sole reason why I never learned Spanish, by the way. Over/under on the amount of time your hands are in your pants...half an hour. Take the over. Enjoy for an hour, then....

2 ET

Cheaters Marathon – G4 Network

Cheaters is not the greatest show. But, there is something about watching some guy or gal getting cheated on and getting it on tape. The host, Joey Greco, is the biggest instigator. He gets the perpetrating couple on tape, then shows the video evidence to the victim. The victim goes crazy, but usually gets punked by the perpetrators because (1) the victim is usually a guy who ain't hitting it right or a girl who isn't fit enough to keep her man on the reservation, and they find out right there (2) these people are so ghetto that cheating makes sense to ALL parties involved, and (3) if a guys' girl is cheating on him with a black dude, when the black dude is confronted all hell breaks loose and it's a good idea that everybody goes home. Watch one episode, take a nap for an hour, and get ready for...

3:30 ET

Kansas at Oklahoma
or
Ohio State at Michigan State

ABC Regional

I'm picking these two games, but some of you may get North Carolina at Virginia (if that's your regional game...go back to Telemundo and proceed to put your hands in your pants until the primetime games).

Kansas (+20) at Oklahoma (O/U 61)

Kansas played well at Colorado last week. Oklahoma got beat up on the ground last week, and they have to be pissed. Both have good QB's...Oklahoma has a great one, and they want to send a message to the pollsters that they are one of the best 3 or 4 teams in the land (which they are). Kansas' bread and butter is the option. Oklahoma's bread and butter is paying linemen enough to stop the option. Take OU and the over.

Ohio State (-3.5) at Michigan State (O/U 42.5)

Ohio State is horrible against the spread, but this is a game about who is going to make the most (or least) mistakes. Both teams have question marks at the QB spot...and Michigan State has the front runner for the Heisman, in Javon Ringer. Michigan State hasn't played anybody yet, and Ohio State is starting to hit their stride. This is a tune-up for Ohio State's meeting next week against Penn State. Take Ohio State....and the under.

Now you're occupied till 5:30 – 6 ish...Great stuff on at 8...but a perfect filler till then.

6:15 ET

Blue Streak – HBO

One of the funniest movies, ever, starring two of the funniest men ever (Martin Lawrence and Dave Chapelle). It just happens to be an hour and forty-five minutes long so that takes you up to 8.

8 ET

Mizzou at Texas
Pavlik vs. Hopkins
Red Sox at Rays Game 6

There is a reason they call it primetime...these three matchups exemplify it, and I'll make an addendum to this post later today to tell you who I like and why, but it doesn't get much better on a Saturday night.

When you think you're ahead, everybody catches up

2008-10-17T08:00:00.000-07:00

The Boston Red Sox completed on the most improbable comebacks ever, last night. I hated it, of course. The Rays were winning and I was enjoying watching all the chowder heads in Boston, as they were drinking themselves into a long postseason (for those who don't come here for my sports commentary, the Rays were winning 7-0, and lost). The series is at 3-2 and all the momentum is going towards Boston. Game on Saturday, in St. Petersburg (wherever that is). Tampa better take care of buisness. For those who come here just to see if I am going to dedicate part of my post to Hannah Montana (Miley Cyrus), today is your lucky day.

I wasn't sure how the "law" works, but I was sure that I could figure out a way to date Miley Cyrus in two years, once she turned 18 (damn, did I just write that?). Well, I probably wrote it before. I don't think she's going to be hot (i.e. I don't think she's hot now, because that would be against the "law"), and it's all about cashing in on her empire. I know that she'll be a billionaire, and I that's what turns me on to the idea of making a long time commitment with her (bank account). So my plan was to somehow run into her, and pretend that I don't know who she is (that will probably turn her on, in two years). I will treat her like the queen (ATM) she is, we get married, and I invest her money wisely in real estate (i.e. my own place where I can have ladies over). Great plan, right? Just gotta wait, right? NOPE!!! Some dude named Justin Gaston already beat me to it. The worse part is that he's 20, and her father, Billy Ray Cyrus, is letting it slide. So basically, this dude has the inside lane AND he's got the okay to circumvent the law. According to People Magazine (yes, I read it on the Internet, NOT IN LINE AT THE MOTHER F'N SUPERMARKET WHEN I HAVE NO ITEMS AND I'M JUST IN PEOPLE'S WAY), Billy Ray thinks "it's a good thing". WTF? I wonder what his reaction would be if that was my black ass? Statutory Rape...that's what. When robbery, embezzlement, and wire fraud are the only thing I plan on doing. Here's a picture of the happy couple...

I'm not worried, though...these things never last. If it was two years from now, I might write 'he ain't hittin' it right'.

Transactions

2008-10-16T02:06:00.000-07:00

Reggae Boyz Reppin'...Jamaicans on the Rise

It's funny how television programming predicts everything that happens in life. Coming to America is on HBO this month, and I actually am contemplating getting a smooth Geri curl, complete with Soul Glo drip. White Men Can't Jump is also on this month, and I have been hitting cats with nasty crosses all month and dunking on cats left and right (hey, you leave your wheelchair in the lane, you end up on a poster). Cool Runnings was on tonight, and...the Jamaican Soccer Team won a monster game against Honduras at 'The Office', 1-0, to keep their World Cup dreams alive. The Reggae Boyz are for real, only because they have showed resiliency after a loss to Honduras in September, and a much needed coaching change has changed the look of the whole team. I enjoy the fact that Jamaicans are taking over the sports scene...first Usain Bolt, then the Reggae Boyz, then me. Here's a link to the Reggae Boyz website. Notice the Asian broad, modeling the Boyz' merchandise...that's how we roll...I don't know what that means, but it means something. Honduras needs to lose to Mexico, and Jamaica needs to beat Canada next month to advance to the final qualifying round.

Audrey Bitoni released by Laredo Slider, picked up by Penthouse

In a roster move by Laredo Slider, Audrey Bitoni was taken off the front page, and replaced by nothing. After a sub par year of article production, Laredo Slider general manager, Laredo Slider, said the site needed a new look.

“We have some young ladies that we're going to call up to the show, but nothing will be as permanent as the run Ms. Bitoni had on the front page. We are looking to get a girl of the week, or month, or something,” said Mr. Slider.

Ms. Bitoni was picked up right away as Penthouse Pet of the Month for November, and is gracing the cover as we speak. Congrats, Audrey.

Laredo signs with AshleyMadison.com, three times

Okay, my foray into internet dating was well chronicled when I decided to sign up for Jdate. I wanted to find myself a nice Jewish girl, who wanted to piss of her whole family, or create a more ghetto version of Lenny Kravitz. A couple of girls contacted me, but I wasn't prompt with my follow up and I ended up not logging in for a while. I don't think Jewish girls were the niche I was looking for. Good news is, I found my niche, and it's married women. AshleyMadison.com helps married people hookup with other people who are looking to cheat on their spouses. Some of you may know that I'm not married, but there is a classification on the site for single people looking for married people who want to cheat. Whatever...I'm making three profiles...one that says I'm married, one that says I'm single, and one that says I'm a woman looking for a woman. I don't want to mislead anybody, but if you're cheating on your significant other, you deserve it.

Danity Kane Drops Members and Clothes...Cam'Ron Drops Album (eventually) and goes shopping at the zoo for new gear

See the crap I write about just to get hits? Now I'm writing about a girl-band, on a show I have never seen, and I couldn't name a single member in the group. I learned that two members were kicked out for being biatches, and I could care less. What caught my attention was that they did this ad for PETA:

Cool...I'm all for not harming animals, but if he harm a small amount of animals, so chicks get naked, won't we just continue? I think so... I mean, I don't own furs but some of my favorite artist's do, like Cam'ron. The more records he sells, the more Kool-Aid colored furs he can buy, which means more chicks getting naked to stop the killing of animals. Really a win-win in my world. My convoluted message in short: Stop killing animals for fur, but if you do, chicks will stop getting naked for a good cause, but stop killing animals. Oh yeah, Crime Pays by Cam drops early 2009...

Congrats, Philly!

2008-10-15T21:11:00.000-07:00

The Phillies won the National League. It was one the highest rated events in Philly history. Let's look at the overnight ratings:

Philadelphia Phillies at Los Angeles Dodgers (FOX) 10/15/08: 51.0 Rating
Number of Riots in the Philadelphia area: 8
Number of Cheesesteaks eaten by each guy named Gino in celebration of the Phils' win: 12
Number of Cheesesteaks eaten by each guy named Ryan Howard in celebration of the Phils' win: 25803952
Number of flushes Ryan Howard will make on the flight back to Philly: 14583221
Number of Girlfriends/Wives beaten in Philadelphia in celebration of the Phils' win: 6000
Number of Girlfriends/Wives beaten by Brett Myers in celebration of the Phils' win: 1
Number of Philly Cops that were drinking on the job during the game: 453
Number of Black People arrested: 0 (Wooooohoooo!)
Number of championships in Philly's near future: 0

You guys aren't winning it all, sorry

Let's Talk About Love

2008-10-14T20:44:00.000-07:00

This is a weird post because I plan on not editing it, re-reading it, or anything. Just a rant.

I love the Giants and really thought they were going to roll on the Browns, but I was wrong. I have owned up to it, but I love them, so take any gambling advice regarding the Giants with a grain of salt. As for the report card for the game:

Giants Offense: gaghlgjlgaDJLKGJLGJLGJLELJGJL
Giants D: erlgjar;wl arglerl;gjawergjaerg;lgjkae gyj'aeftgyjar;ygja
Giants Special Teams: jdra ;lgalwgtjawrlg jarl;gare;gjareg;jarg;l
Giants Coaching: gh ar;gtjawroygjr;ygja4o;ryja;yj4oyuj4rgu8j40tgufhj4ay0hj45yh54GTOANGRLJRV45OH

Overall: D-

Next, Red Sox...trading Manny...dumb. Fans, even dumber. Eff Boston, Eff the Sox. I never root for anybody to get hurt, but I hope Josh Beckett gets to pitch and gets rocked, and gets sooooooooooo pissed that he decides to repeatedly slam his right arm in a car door...while the car is sinking to the bottom of a lake. People will say 'Manny can't pitch and that's what the Red Sox' problem is'. Eff dat!!! This team has no balls, and Manny is like the Kellen Winslow of the postseason...

Red Sox Report Card: A...because I enjoy seeing them getting their heads bashed in BY A TEAM THAT DOESN'T RESPECT THEM!!!!

Next, Pacman "call me Adam, because I'm reformed...oh shit! I'm suspended again" Jones. I don't think that he should be suspended for life. Only for the rest of the year. I do think the Cowboys should say, "oh, Pacman is suspended from playing. Meet our new head coach! Pacman F'n Jones!!!!" He would be better than fatboy Wade Phillips. What would be better? Seeing Wade Phillips jumping for joy after tying the Cardinals on Sunday, or Coach Pacman giving the throat slash to the Cardinals sideline after tying the Cardinals on Sunday. What's better? Seeing the coordinators in the box, calling plays, doing what they do? Or a tinted out skybox where the only coordinating going on is what ho's get in the skybox, and what play to T.O. are they going to call next? It's obvious, and the best thing would be that Jason Whitten would get released for no reason, just so Pacman can put his boy on the roster. By the way, if Wade Phillips was the fifth Ghostbuster and at the end of GB1 when they had to clear their minds, or meet their doom to whatever they were thinking (which was the Stay Puffed Marshmellow Man), wouldn't everybody be f'd because he be thinking of a McRib Sandwich the size of the solar system? Yup.

And while we are on the subject of ghetto cuisine, why does Ryan Howard have to do those Subway commercials for their Big Philly Cheesesteak? As a baseball player, I had to defend the fact that baseball players workout, and then there was the steroid era which helped me build my case that baseball players are into physical fitness. Then I turn on my f'n TV and see a fat brother with a bat in his hands and a greasy ass cheesesteak behind him. Oh, and he happens to strike out 2 billion times a year, and I've seen pop flys that he couldn't get down on. I wonder why? I wish I was in the meeting when Subway decided to go with Ryan Howard:

Exec 1: We need somebody to sell the worst nutrional item in the history of Subway. Somebody who embodies "deep fried"...this 'Eat Fresh' shit ain't working.

Exec 2: I went to a Phillies game last night and saw this fat, black guy strike out 4 times and he fell over on a ground ball.

Exec 1: GO GET HIM BEFORE KFC GET'S HIM FIRST!!!

Yeah, I know he could be MVP, but Phuck Philly.

Monday Morning QB

2008-10-13T08:45:00.000-07:00

I love being able to watch sports from Friday night all the way up to Sunday night. These are the weekends that solidify the reason why I remain kinda single, and solidify the pact I made to myself not to see Beverly Hills Chihuahua until it's on video/bootleg. Baseball Friday, Saturaday, and Sunday. College football Friday and Saturday. The NFL yesterday was ridiculous, and there was even preseason NBA. Too much to cover, based on the fact that you can go to ESPN.com and get biased opinions on all these events. Not that ESPN.com is biased, but they aren't going to recklessly comment on certain stories based on their policies, etc. I ,on the other hand, will write articles based on rumor and I don't check my facts. So I gotta comment on a story that broke Sunday night about one NFL tight end.

Leading up to tonight's Monday Night Football game, Kellen Winslow was in the hospital with an unknown illness. I was thinking through the week that he had some type of bad herpes, or something embarrassing, because the media had no idea what he had. This is the type of info that gets released usually, but it didn't up til this weekend. Winslow was in the hospital because his balls were swollen to the size of grapefruits! That is amazing because you know Winslow was taking some type of Cialis/Viagra drug for fun, and it backfired on him. How does that happen? I would wait a couple of hours to go to the hospital, and make funny picture messages of my balls, and send it to friends and teammates. I wouldn't send it to Brady Quinn, though. I'm not too sure what "team" he plays on, let's put it that way. But, that's what I would do...

Monday Night Pick

Giants (-8) at the Browns

My Giants are the best team in football, because they run it the best, take care of the ball, play great D, have a QB who can make all the throws, are the deepest team at the skill positions, have a punter who routinely puts the ball inside the opponents' 20, draft better than any other team, and have confidence because they have one of the best coaches in the game. The Browns have...a tight end with swollen balls. Giants 90, Brown 3 ...seriously, take the Giants and the UNDER...

Fantasy Move of the Week

Tony Romo is out for two weeks, so pick up Brad Johnson and trade him to the one Cowboys fan in the league everybody hates. If you're in my league, just stop logging in...I'm 6 and oh, and resistance is futile.

Go Giants! TAKE CARE OF BUISNESS! PLAX, STFU!!!!

Sunday Laredo

2008-10-12T10:00:00.000-07:00

Time to crack open what I hope will be the equivalent of the Sunday New York Times for my readers...the SUNDAY LAREDO TIMES. News stories? I'll leave that up to Cnn.Com, but we are going to have everything else. A great sports section, with lead pipe lock picks for the NFL. Arts and Entertainment? Got it. Crossword? Got that, too. Just like when I opened the paper before my father woke up, and got smacked, it's time to dive into the Laredo Times for October 12, 2008...

Arts and Entertainment Section

Here is my review for Entourage. It sucks. Vinny Chase never made that show, and I could care less if his character ended up on a second rate sitcom, like Entourage. Johnny Drama should be spun off into one of HBO's other shitty dramas, or they should make that Five Towns show into a real show. Eric is short and annoying, and I'm pissed he had that threesome with those two hot chicks in season whatever it was. Turtle provides comedy relief and that's all they ask of him, which is cool. Ari has his spots where he's hilarious, but I'd rather see more of his wife...without him...or those snot-nosed kids. The plot is recycled to the point where the best thing would be to have somebody killed off. I nominate Eric. I mean, in cheezy sitcoms there was always one episode where something really bad happened to somebody. I'm pretty sure ALF ate Lucky one time, and Sam was kidnapped that one time in Diff'rent Strokes. Something needs to happen.

Movies Section

White Men Can't Jump is on On Demand. Watch it 20 times. I have actually noticed there are a ton of Wesley Snipes movies on. Watch 'em all. Great month of programming! Cable gets two thumbs up!

Business Section

Business in the world is shitty. But my fantasy team is taking care of business. Kurt Warner Larry Fitzgerald, Eli, Matt Forte, Stephen Jackson...I had a great draft. I know, proof is in the pudding, so check out my squad, and basque in greatness.

Underwear Ads

What boy didn't go through the newspaper and stop at the department store ad, and look at the women in the (grandma) underwear ads? I would look at them longer than the NL East standings. Well the Laredo Times are the same:

I had to bring this one back...

but that's not an ad, is it?

Sports

Whoa...9:50 AM...Need Picks

Chicago (-2.5) at Atlanta (43)

The Bears will stuff the run. Matt Ryan is going to throw picks. Chicago and the over.

Cowboys (-4.5) at Arizona (52)

Cowboys defense is garbage. Romo drops the ball a ton. Crayton drops the ball a ton. Cards...no sacks, no picks last week. Cards (and my fantasy team) rolls. Zona and the over.

Miami (+3) at Houston (45)

As long as Ron Artest is within the Houston city metro area, I like Houston. If you see an unknown wearing #96, and he's running around with a Dolphins helmet in his hand (with the head still in it) you'll know what I mean. Houston and the under.

Super Sloppy Underdog Pick

St. Louis (+12.5) at Washington (44)

Washington has the ugliest uni's and if you think their game is pretty, you don't know Redskin football. They win but don't cover...take the under as well, in a sweater.

Enjoy the day...next week I'll have a crossword and some crudely drawn pictures that will pass as 'comics'. Peace

Laredo's Saturday L____ P_pe _ock's

2008-10-11T10:09:00.000-07:00

I needed to pick the Red River Rivalry game last night because (1) it is the biggest college game this week, and (2) it gives me the opportunity to rip on some rednecks. Don't get me wrong...I love brown liquor, I don't like pork, but I wouldn't rule out having relations with certain non-blood relatives. When I use the N-Word, it's a term of endearment. When rednecks use the N-Word, it's derogatory, unless a black person hears 'em, then they explain it's a term of endearment. Then they same something like, "anybody can be a nword, not just black people...I'm just talking about the way somebody acts." That never gets old. What also doesn't get old is rednecks calling people Arabs. The link for "Video of the Day" has that old bag that called Obama an Arab getting interviewed, etc. That's a new feature of LaredoSlider.Com and will be used for video highlights daily. Oh yeah, there is a scoreboard, too...so you can check Laredo's L___ P_pe _ock's of the Week (you can fill in the blanks with what you want).

Oklahoma (-6.5) at Texas

I already picked this, and the game is in the second quarter right now (actually it's a one point game at half). The reason I picked OU is because I have believed that Sam Bradford is actually Cooper Manning since last year, after Cooper Manning got a time machine because he wanted to cash in on his family fame. The kid's good, he takes care of the ball, and Texas has been faking top-ranked status since their Rose Bowl win four years ago. Oklahoma covers.

Purdue (+18.5) at Ohio State (47.5)

Put this one in the overrated home team, with myopic fans, category with Texas. This is a conference game, and Ohio State isn't explosive...so 2 touchdowns plus is unlikely. Purdue also takes care of the rock. Oh yeah, Ohio State is 1-4 against the spread this year, so 1-5 is likely, right. Take Purdue and the under.

Penn State (-6) at Wisconsin (47)

The Nittany Lions will roll through Wisconsin, and it depends on depends. If JoePa shits himself before the game, it will be a sweater. If he shits himself around the beginning of the second quarter, the Lions will roll. Don't ask me how I came to these backwards conclusions. Maybe it's the brown liquor at 11AM PT. Penn State covers, with the over.

Enjoy the day of college football...oh yeah, GO TROJANS!

New Beginning

2008-10-10T22:39:00.000-07:00

Every article I have written, EVER, has been a product of my alter ego, no matter what mind state I'm in. I have written some unconventional things when I was in grammar school, and not just because I was doing my homework on the bus, and that shit was due in 20 minutes. Now, I have this site where I can say what I want and I write more unconventional stuff. I usually post in the mornings when I have something constructive to say. I post in the afternoons after watching some sporting event that usually involves my team shitting the bed, in a big situation. Then I write late night when I'm faded, and I just watched a movie with one of my favorite starlets (like Transformers, with Megan Fox). I then write how much I would like to diddle her, and then use very graphic words describing all 13 inches of my dilzzzznick, usually implying impregnating one of these girls is my prerogative. Then I was thinking to myself that these days are all about softening what is actually happening in the real world, ~~and I need to find some real ho's to come over here and~~...I mean take a stance on certain issues, and provide a forum for some of my loyal readers (who have been reading the same article for the last two months).

So the site is going through a overhaul. We'll still talk sports, but now is the time to talk about finances (21.99 Hennessey at Savon, HOLLA!!!), who is going to lead our country for the next four years, what is good as far as movies and entertainment are concerned (I will get guest reviewers who will tell me what they thought of a movie, cd, or something), and general pop culture will be included, as well. Audrey Bitoni has been taken off the top of the page, because I'm into classier girls, and through these times I have figured out that women are the strongest gender because I invited this broad over the other night...she was a 5'1” Asian girl, about 90 pounds, and I asked her if she wanted a $5 foot long, and she said yes...she thought I was using the Metric system, or some shit, because she thought a foot was shorter...but she took it anyways...the strength of her tonsils surprised me. Sorry...run on sentence. I will also put some links in the links tab (duh!). Oh...there will be polls, and not of the $5 foot long variety, either! Polls are trendy, and I think the site should have once every once in a while. College football picks tomorrow, and some other stuff. Enjoy!

p.s. - I probably will not get up in time for the Red River Rivalry, but I like OU (-6.5).

My Olympics Summary

2008-08-15T03:37:00.000-07:00

I wrote an article saying that I didn't care about the Olympics, except for the USA Hoops. I have since been mesmorized by some of the happenings...let's recap:

1. Michael Phelps

This dude is ridiculous...he's the most dominant athlete EVER in the Olympics for one reason...there ain't no pools in the hood. The same thing applied to golf and tennis, and now the best golfer is Black (kinda) and the best Women's tennis players are Black (definitely). All you got to do is introduce the sport to tha hood, and it's over.

2. Women's Sports

Women's sports in the Olympics are like a crappy house party...too many foriegners, ugly broads, and short, young, girls who have crappy I.D.'s, but you say, "what the hell", and try to bang one of them out anyways (WHAAA?!?). Those young girls I'm talking about are the gymnasts, who can't be younger than 16 in order to compete (good rule to have when dating, but may not hold up in court). It turns out China is probably cheating and allowing girls younger than 16 to compete. They won the women's team gymnastics event, and some of those girls looked so young that they look like they had just a dirt infield, without a nappy dugout, if you know what I mean (and, ladies...if you don't know what I mean, get that shit fixed...it ain't cool to have too much grass on tha field). This may be something that you would let your local massage parlor slide with, but it's not cool when it cost the U.S. of A. a gold medal.

3. Nigeria and their abbreviation

I have been watching Soccer and caught Nigeria play a couple of times. They beat the U.S. Men to knock them out of medal contention. The problem I have is with NBC and how they abbreviate Nigeria in the upper left part of the screen: NGR. Now, I may not be the best grammeretician but NGR said out loud is "Nigger". Of course, all the players on Nigeria are black. Coincidence? I think not... And remember that there was never a black person on Friends (in the one episode I watched). I think that NBC needs to change the abbreviation before I organize a Million Man March/Jenkins Family Reunion at 30 Rock...

I know this has nothing to do with the real Olympics...but you wonder why we run from the cops...

Half-Breed Monday

2008-07-28T14:32:00.000-07:00

Today, I choose to focus on two, of the three, most famous half breeds that the world has to offer: Halle Berry and Barack Obama (Tiger "El Nigre" Woods being the third). All are great ambassadors to the African-American race (check that... Obama and Woods are, Berry isn't). All are at the top of their professions, BUT it's time for Berry and Obama to do a little self check on their black sides. Lemme explain...

Halle Berry has pictures taken of her, and her newborn in her backyard and she is suing the paparazzi for invasion of privacy.

One, the paparazzi are wasting their time with these pictures. I don't want to see Halle Berry holding kids (in her arms, but in her mouth, I can do that...sorry...had to be done). That's not sexy. There are brothas locked up who can only jerk off to magazines, and this is the crap they put in there? Ridiculous. Secondly, this is exactly what happens when your white side takes over. Six months of litigation and a settlement. But this isn't going to appease Halle Berry's black side (which she has been ignoring for the last 7 years). What she needs to do is get 5 pitbulls (which should be a prerequisite for any black person who makes more than $45,000 a year), a strap (gun), and a dude around the house who knows how to take care of business. I'm not saying get back together with David "Rough" Justice, because he is a wife beater, but stop hanging with these breezy, male model types. I would feel comfortable with Eric Benet or Gabriel Aubry being around the house, if I were trespassing. Now, if Ms. Berry went out with T.I. or 50, I would keep my distance.

Now...for Sen. Obama, who just got back from an important trip overseas, where pundits will dissect whether or not he has what it takes to deal with the rest of the world, if he were to be president.

Mr. Obama...I know you are confident about everything you say or do, and sometimes people think you're arrogant, etc. But, people are going to second guess you if you're talking to proper to foriegn leaders. They'll be like, "I don't know about Obama, he speaks too well as a Negro to get things done overseas. They might think he's talking down to them." Fuck that. Let your Black side take over. When they ask about Afganistan, remember what it was like to walk into that little Afghani deli on the corner for blunts and a fifth of Hen:

Reporter: What do you think about the direction of Afganistan?
Black Obama: I think dey betta stop following me around (the store) before I put my foot up dey ass! Dey shit's stale anyways, and that nigga Akmed be spitting when he talks...

When they ask about Cuba, and the inevitable leadership change there...remember what it was like going to the club, and getting into it with some Cubans:

Reporter: Are you pleased with what's going on in Cuba?
Obama: I don't say shit! You gotta be careful wit dem niggas...they like to play baseball, so you know dey got some bats in the trunk...

Another good trick would be to pretend that you don't know the difference between Cuba and Puerto Rico. The key is making the rest of the world think you are crazier then they are (a popular Black fighting technique, when we don't really wanna fight).

So, Ms. Berry and Sen. Obama, keep up what you do, but do it with soul, with conviction, and with a fifth of Henny pumping through your veins, and people won't fuck wit ya.

Dream Team

2008-07-26T14:08:00.000-07:00

The Dream Team played in Vegas yesterday, and put on a show, routing the Canadians by fitty. The team is the best team since the original version, and will destroy the world in Beijing. They actually bring up a very good question, though. Would I care about the Olympics if there wasn't a Dream Team going there? No. Do I care about one-legged sprinters trying to make it to Beijing, or sick passes from J-Kidd? J-Kidd. Do I care if Iraq sends athletes to the Olympics, or Kobe lighting up some third-world country for 70? Kobe. Do I care about a 41 year-old American swimmer who is defying all odds to go for gold, or LeBron dunking so hard on a Chinaman that they change the name of General Tso's Chicken to Kentucky Fried Chicken? Of course, KFC. So those are the story lines I care about, other than watching gymnastics to figure out with Eastern Bloc ho's are flexible enough to handle my pommel horse (and when they light the flame with that giant joint).

Signs of the Apocalypse

2008-07-24T21:19:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about how good it feels to be a Mets fan today, versus a month and a half ago, when I wrote my last article. The Mets just finished beating the crap outta the Phillies to take first place today, and Carlos Delgado was the hero. The funny thing about the article, last month, was that I called Carlos Delgado a bum (and the season isn't done yet, so he hasn't lifted that tag yet). Since then he's been the catalyst of the Mets offense (he's hitting .307, 11 dongs, 30 ribbies since the article), and the pitching has been phenomenal. So this is starting to look familiar...like the time I wrote the article about the Giants being good enough to win it all in October last year (NO!!!!! Your never going to stop hearing about that!!!). I'm going on a limb right now, and saying that the Mets have what it takes to win the mediocre National League, and who knows? Maybe win it all... But enough about the Mets, because they have been known to shit on my emotions before (and, with their payroll, they should win the NL)...

I have been in Vegas for a while, and every day's temperature averages 106-ish...so I believe the world is going to hell in a hand basket, and all the earthquakes, hurricanes, etc. are proof. I believe in positive and negative energy (drinks) and there are reasons for these phenomenons...

1. Jessie Spano (Elizabeth Berkley) is putting a stamp on her career that will make her the most successful cast member of Saved by The Bell.

When I watched Saved By the Bell back in the day, I thought that order of hotness of all the girls went like this:

1. Kelly Kapowski
2. Lisa Turtle
3. Jessie Spano

Kelly (Tiffani-Amber Thiessen) went on to 90210, then disappeared. Lisa Turtle (Lark Voorhees) straight up disappeared. The guys on the show Zach Morris and Screech, went on to NYPD Blue and home porn respectively (yes, Screech was in a porno called Saved by the Smell which we will no longer talk about). And the one transsexual cast member, A.C. Slater, is now hosting America Best Dance Crew on MTV (it's amazing...he actually makes J.C. Chasez look straight). Back to the ladies...how has Jessie Spano shot to the top of the charts? First was Showgirls, which came out in 1995 when I was a young boy of only 13 inches. This opened my eyes to the world of after midnight Cinemax. Now she's going to be on the L-Word...a show about carpet eaters on Showtime. I'll never watch this show, but at least the girl is working hard doing things that make sense, like other chicks. Therefore, she is the most accomplished member of the Saved by the Bell crew, which I could have never predicted.

2. Madonna ends A-Rod's marriage

I hate to bring up Kobe in this discussion (because he makes the world a better place), but what happened to the days when a star athlete would put his marriage on the rocks by banging a hooker, stripper, or high school (I mean college) girl , and denying it until his wife forgave him? A-Rod decides to get caught banging Madonna, and it's not like he owns a time machine. She's 35 and not hot anymore. If I'm paying a guy $27 million a year, I want him to mess with a $27 million dollar a year girl (a.k.a. 5 girls every night, using all holes). Otherwise, stick to being married, and don't let your personal life affect the team. Why is he married anyways? All I know is that I can start writing more slanderous articles about gay encounters between him and Derek Jeter, and that's a good thing.

3. NBA players are heading overseas for more money

I could write a real sports article on how the basketball landscape is changing, and how David Stern needs to change the financial structure of the NBA to allow teams to actually make a profit, but that ain't happening. Bottom line is mid-tier players are getting more money to play in Europe (translation: brothas are getting more money to ball in Europe, and we all know how much European ho's love the brothas...BALLIN'!!!!). So, how is this the sign of the apocalypse? Well, lets put it this way...what happens if Ron Artest signs to play in Iran? Then he knocks up the whole female population. Then in twenty-five years, we'll have a Ayatollah Ron Artest Jr....then the United States will have a real problem. This could happen and David Stern needs to step in a prevent this from happening! I mean...the second Ron Artest steps inside of the Iranian border, they officially have a weapon of mass destruction, and we would have to bomb them back to the Stone Age (a.k.a. Iran circa 2006). I know Ron Ron ain't signing there, but some other ignorant brotha will, and the U.S. will feel the wrath if we're not careful.

no photoshop needed...

So there it is...three signs of the apocalypse...actually four, because Carlos Delgado can actually catch up to a belt-high 89 m.p.h. fastball. Let's GO METS!!!

NBA DRAFT LIVE BLOG!

2008-06-26T16:04:00.000-07:00

It's that time of the year...time for my "Basketball Super Bowl", the NBA Draft. A lot of you may be wondering why the Draft is the culmination of my basketball year, and the reason is...I'M A PROUD KNICKS FAN!!!! We are tied for first right now, and tonight will be a huge indication on what the Donnie Walsh/Mike D'Antoni era is all about...

BTW...some of you may be saying, "Laredo, you're black...isn't the NBA All-Star game your Super Bowl?" It isn't because the All-Star weekend is too dangerous, and no players on my team ever go, so I'm not a big "let's go to All-Star weekend and get crunk" kinda guy...oh yeah

There needs to be a reality show that follows Imus to All-Star weekend. I'm pretty sure he is super-not welcome at any All Star weekend event...especially when Adam "Pacman" Jones has a lifetime title of "Master of Cermonies and Making it Rain and Having People Sprayed Up of the NBA All Star Weekend"....

Anyways....drinks? Check... ESPN on? Check... Live Blog Active? Check... Gas Can and Matches with a one way flight to Madison Square Garden? Check... OKAY, KNICKS!!!! LET'S GO!!!!!!

4:30 ET

Stu Scott is already pissing me off...

4:31 ET

David Stern is pissing me off...Bulls on da clock, no doubt Derrick Rose

4:36 ET

Derrick Rose...one the eventual great point guards in the league...He has everything, and the moves that most guards pick up later in their careers (midrange, teardrop, etc.) he has right now. I hate the Bulls, but this was a no brainer and he will be better than Beasley.

4:41 ET

NO!!!! Stephen A. is interviewing these guys after they're picked?!?! Will he automatically rip the guy the Knicks pick, right to his face?

4:43 ET

Beasley numba two to the Heat...Marion and Beasley on the front line will look like something out of Chernobyl...they're both athletic freaks, and Beasley has orange hair...and so does his mom! Good pick...let's see if he's going to be a Heat for much longer...

4:45 ET

Okay...as a Knicks fan, this is the most important part of the draft...T'Wolves and Sonics...two teams that can throw up major bricks, and what do you know? The f'n T'Wolves take Ovington J'Anthony Mayo...a.k.a. the O.J. that went to USC who didn't kill anybody. The Knicks needed the Wolves to pick Brook "Next Chris Mihm" Lopez....I know the Sonics are looking to pull a tank job on the city of Seattle, so Brook "My last name is Lopez, and I look like a white guy, but I still drink Tecate" Lopez could go next....

4:53 ET

Settle on the clock and David Stern says through his shit-eating grin:??????

Russell Westbrook...DGLjarl;f jarlharh jadl; galdgas fuck!!! I wanted him, but that means one of two things: The Knicks have the ability to pick either Bayless or Love (two guys I really like) or Gallinari (who I wan't to stay away from, but I wouldn't be pissed with) and (2) a trade for Memphis' 5 (while keeping the six) is definitly possible because shedding payroll, for the Griz, will be better for this team than picking a young guy who they're unsure of (a lot of guys didn't seem like they wanted to work out for Memphis)...hopefully D. "the game fixer" Stern comes back announcing a trade that the Knicks have the 5 and 6....

5:01 ET

Love to the Grizz...say what you want about the Gasol trade, but they will have Conley, Crittenton, Gay, Love (lol...gay love), and Milicic 1 thru 5, whoever they trade Mike Miller for, plus they will be under the cap around the same time these five start getting good together...good pick, but I'm concerned with the next pick, so let's go Knicks!!!

5:05 ET

I WANT BAYLESS!

5:07 ET

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Danilo Gallinari

Gas can...check...matches, check....why didn't we draft Bayless?

5:10 ET
Danilo: "I like to win and play hard" "I like to win and play hard" "I would like to help the team win"

We've had Italian players before, we got Chef-Boy-Ar-Dee playing center, and fucking Al Capone playing power forward......sdagljawr ha;erlhjelhaer lh

I'm taking a half hour off

5:13 ET

Eric Gordon goes 7 to the Clips...a bust to be...with Bayless and Augustin on the board, the Knicks need to see if they can make a deal...WHY?!?!! GALLINARI?!?!

Tell me something I didn't know...GFY Edition

2008-06-10T00:00:00.000-07:00

Tell me something I didn't know...

It's a sarcastic cliche that people use all the time...here's another one: Go Fuck Yourself. So today, I bring back an old favorite of mine, the GFY (Go Fuck Yourself) list. The theme will be things I know but am pissed about. Simple enough...

1. The NBA is fixed...

You don't have to look far from last night's NBA Finals game two. I'm not saying Boston didn't deserve to win, but I am saying that the referee's were sooooooooo into the vibe that the home crowd was giving off, they made a ton of calls for the Celtics, and not many for the Lakers. All you have to do is look at the offensive foul they called for Kobe's 2nd foul and look no further. I'm not saying that they were giving calls to the Celtics, but they were calling nothing for the Lakers. I expect the Lakers to get the same calls, in L.A....but in the end it comes down to David Stern...who get's a big GFY.

Update (6:15 P.M. EST) - Tim Donaghy just said that the 2002 Western Conference Semis (Lakers beat the Kings in 7) were fixed by two refs...I remember watching those games and thinking something was up, but something is telling me Donaghy is telling the truth, and the NBA is in deep do-do (shit).

2. Carlos Delgado is a bum

I know that he's almost 36 and regular humans don't get better as they get older, but here are some assumptions about Carlos Delgado that I have to get off my chest (this is after watching him boot a ground ball in yesterday's game in San Diego...yeah, I know he gotta couple of hits, BUT he still a bum). Here are the assumptions (and he's a class act, so it's kinda hard to lower the boom on him, but at LS.com nobody is exempt):

1. I'm under the impression that Carlos was on something...

YES, I am accusing Delgado of juicing. He's smaller than he was when he first came to the Mets, his production has gone down the shitter, and he swings and misses too much. He gets beat with fastballs in places where he didn't before. He wants to get to 500 HR's and is 61 away...Bring the girl ya brought to the dance...the little green homerun hitters (that's a foreshadow for number 3)

2. His passiveness is the reason the Mets are passive.

So we got this big, black guy playing first base...and he's a pussy (well, let's just say I think he's too laid back, but someone can be "laid back" and still have the fire to hustle every play, AND FIELD GROUND BALLS). I do think he is a good human being, but on the baseball field, he's the guy who bridges the gap between the English speaking vets, and the Latin speaking vets. He needs to be on the back page of the paper more often calling people "Gringos" and "Maricons". He needs to show some fire, and he might get angry and start playing better. A good Delgado, plus a healthy Alou, is what makes the lineup go. The Mets have to be the team that NO team is scarred of charging the mound against. There is no edge. If Delgado said more, then the whole team would have more of a bravado, and the Mets would win the NL East.

3. Carlos Delgado isn't the same person as of two years ago...He's really Pedro Cerrano...

Remember in Major League when Pedro Cerrano needed to sacrifice a live chicken to ensure he was going to have a good game? (for those of you too young to remember, it's a must watch...for those of you to young to remember that are female...310-903-3796). Then they got a bucket of KFC instead, and Pedro hit a game tying home run, and the Indians won the AL East. Well Carlos Delgado came to the Mets, hits some home runs, the Mets won the NL East...but it isn't a coincidence. A great sequel was expected in both. Didn't happen. Remember the crapshed movie that was Major League 2? Remember the crapshed season that was 2007 for the Mets? Both had Carlos Cerrano's fingerprints all over them. Remember Major League 3? Ya know about the '08 Mets... So I'm pretty confident that they ARE the same person. When you look at their pictures...it's no wonder they have never been seen in the same place.

See, same guy...So here is a big GFY to Carlos Delgado...GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!! (translation: I know a good HGH guy..310-903-3796)

Stay tuned for a David Wright/Roger Dorn article in 10 years....

3. The Chicago Bears need a QB

This might be the only "Tell me something I didn't know..." that's super obvious, BUT... here's the issue. Cedric Benson, Chicago's star, bust running back got nailed for driving under the influence TWICE, in Texas, in the last month (once in a boat, once in a car with some big ass rims). Then the Bears released him yesterday(okay...I started off saying the Bears needed a QB...but I don't wanna talk about it...I wanted to take a stance on how certain NFL players get a long leash, and some don't...but I woulda cut this bitchassni**a last year... there is no real purpose for "The Chicago Bears need a QB"...I just think it's time for a run-on sentence in CAPS, even though white people say 'you speak so well', because FUCKDAPOLICE). YA'LL THINK BECAUSE A BROTHA IS DRIVING A BOAT, AND HE'S GOT COGNAG ON BOARD, HE'S DRUNK? LIKE WE PLAN ON CRASHIN DAT SHIT AND SWIMMIN TO SHORE WE PLAN ON DRINKIN YAK BIG PIMPIN, SON WE AIN'T GETTIN OUR GATORS WET OR TAKING SWIMMIN' LESSONS AND SO WHAT I GOT A FRESH LINE UP, FRESH OUTFIT, BOUT TO HAVE THE PARKING LOT ON SMASH YOU AIN'T GOTTA PULL A BROTHER OVER BECAUSE HE GOT A CHEVY WITH A 454 IN THE HOOD, 125 ON DA DASH!!!

(back to 'you speak so well' mode):

Here's a hearty GFY to all Po'lice who got gotta hate on a brotha because he's flossin'...GFY, puercos...

So, GFY's to David Stern and da' Police (who have to have the most GFY's ever), and a GFY to Carlos Pedro Cerrano Delgado....

Peace, and see ya'll, tomorrow?

Summer Snatch - Finals Edition

2008-06-07T05:11:00.000-07:00

It seems like every time I take a hiatus from writing my article, I reinvent a part of myself, so I can come back with fresh ideas. But, I'm a guy, so the only thing I have my mind on is sex, sports, food, cars, and drinking...so my ideas are as fresh as Audrey Bitoni's pee flapper after a hard day's work (Ms. Bitoni is the girl above, and if ya thought I matured during my hiatus, then you'll also believe that she is a virgin...in all holes). The sports seasons are changing, though. The NBA Finals just kicked off (the draft is coming up), baseball is in full swing, and hockey just ended. Throw in the French Open and Big Brown's eventual Triple Crown victory and you have a smörgåsbord of phenomenal sporting events. You know what's going on already...but you want predictions. And I got 'em...

Lemme start with the NBA...

We're one game into the Finals, and we're in for a classic. This is what the NBA needed, and I think the Lakers are going to pull it off. But here are the most important storylines to pay attention to:

1. Will Stuart Scott stop threatening viewers, and will his eye finally roll out of his head on live TV?

Stuart Scott is dangerously approaching Chris Berman level...fuck dat...he's at Dane Cook's level. Like Dane Cook, he's not funny, he's long winded, and he's probably been closer to Jessica Alba than I have, which is a travesty. The f'd up thing is before every commercial break he's like, "Don't turn the channel or we'll come to your house and pull the cable out." Word?!?! Please, Stuart, come to my house and try! You probably couldn't see the number on my house with your gooogly eye. Why did they get rid of Dan Patrick? Where is he? FIND HIM AND GET HIM IN THERE!! While we're on the subject of the TV coverage

2. Do all the commentators have to be former Knicks?

Van Gundy, Mark Jackson, Mike Breen, Marv Albert...the list goes on and on. It's not like they are bad commentators, but it just opens the door for a Stephon Marbury/Isaiah Thomas broacasting team in a couple years. I can see it now

Steph: That was a great play by Chris Paul.

Isaiah: It was similar to something I would do back in the day.

S: I know what else you would do back in the day...that 16 year old girl sitting in row 3.

Isaiah: That's it! Your suspneded...until the next commercial break.

S: Let's throw it back to Stuart Scott who's on location at Laredo's house, trying to pull out the cable. Stuart?

Stuart Scott: Hi...I'm at LaredoSlider's house where I just had my good eye stabbed out....

Laredo Slider: BoooYah, muthafucka!!

3. Kobe is a better teammate, and he's got AIDS.

All the commentators are saying, "Kobe's a better teammate", and, "He's one of the guys now". Not true at all...here's the translation: He's not banging out broads in every city he goes to now. That's it. Why is he hanging out with the guys? Because he probably got some disease that doesn't allow him to fuck (wheather they like it or not) girls without getting sued. The only whole in this theory is that if Kobe had AIDS, it would be cured tomorrow.

Anyways...Lakers in 7...I'll talk draft tomorrow...next my baseball prediction

The Cubs and White Sox will play in the World Series, and there will be a bench clearing brawl.

It will be Ozzie Guillen, Aramis Ramirez, and Carlos Zambrano vs. everybody in the stands and on the field. It'll be great. Pitbulls and chickens will come outta nowhere.

In tennis, Ana Ivanovic will win the French Open, and give me a exclusive interview afterwards.

The interview will be viewable on eskimotube.com...Search for keywords: foreign objects, tennis rackets, trophy, anal, shooting tennis balls, and facial.

Okay...last prediction

Big Brown will win the Triple Crown, only to have it taken away after it is found out that it's just Barry Bonds in a horse costume.

It's obvious the horse is on steroids, and it's named Big Brown. By the way, it's great that the horse is named Big Brown. If Big Brown wins, EVERY BLACK MAN IN THE WORLD HAS TO GO TO A BAR TONIGHT AND USE A PICKUP LINE WITH BIG BROWN IN IT. This is a godsend! I've been practing:

"Did you see the race today? Big Brown won...by 13 inches"

or

"I heard that Big Brown needs a new jockey, and is only auditioning white girls"

or

"Hey, baby...lets go back to my stable, so I can introduce you to Big Brown...but, I must warn you...he spits"

or

"Whoops...wrong hole...but, if you leave a Big Brown spot on my sheets...that's yo ass."

or

"I help you pay for the euthanization of any Little Brown's"

Sorry...abortion isn't a joke. Lemme change the last one.

"If you say that kid is mine...I'll run like Big Brown."

There ya go...now you have a guide to sports for the Summer. I didn't want to make a long article, so I'll give ya another one tomorrow. Some Obama/Clinton things, NBA draft, and a recap of how my pickup lines go...I'm out like Big Brown before he spits in some girls eye....